Beginning this last journal is difficult for me. I did not accomplish all that I had hoped to do this year; I didn’t even manage to write the 50 journals I had initially asked my students to write. I didn’t do many Self-Designed Assignments. I did manage to finish writing my lectures on being human (although the material I had to share only ended up filling about 6 lecture hours), but I hardly started my education piece (although its essential elements are now represented not only in my previous work but also in the final pieces from all four of my most direct students). To be honest, this is not completely surprising. I tried to dedicate at least 20 hours each week to E=mc2, but so much of that time was spent reading Alex’s journals or watching comedy with Noah or writing up plans for Bott, leaving little time for my own work. The pace of this work-for-others has only increased as the end of the year quite literally bears down upon us. And in this last semester of law school, many of my classes concluded with a research paper rather than a final exam, which took more time and effort than I am used to. So, I’m not ashamed that I got so little done, even if I am disappointed. As I said to Feb earlier this year, “At the conclusion of every project, we always feel like there's more to do. And it's true. Luckily, the project that is our own self-development and serving others need not conclude.”
Much of what I would normally include in this journal has been written already in my final paper (found on my Assignments page). Despite entering this class as the relative expert on the goals of the class, I believe that I learned far more than any of the students (which, since the goal of the class is to help students learn, might not actually be that surprising). I won’t repeat any of the discussions about things I learned that are included in my final paper. Two things which I learned but did not discuss there are how much I love naps, and how much I overestimate people. But I’d actually like to spend the rest of the journal wrapping up my project for this year and talking about myself and the gift that was E=mc2.
I was never happy in school. Ever. My first posting to this site describes the experience which began my antagonistic relationship with the school system; it occurred in Kindergarten.
It’s interesting, I think, that economists equate the term “happy” with the term “satisfied.” My understanding of definitions and etymology, always a passion of mine, has changed slightly in light of my extensive study into the nature of the human mind this year, but I nevertheless think that this equivalence is hugely significant. To be unhappy means that we are somehow unsatisfied, that we don’t have enough of something. After doing all the research I did this year, I now know that human beings are defined by their sense of purpose, by their imagination, and by their capacity to create. Man’s ultimate end, that which he is always pursuing, is happiness. But this statement is rather tautological in light of the equivalence described above: man is always seeking the satisfaction of the ends he seeks to attain. The question is what brings man happiness, and I think that the answer is just to be more fully human. We can never reach full satisfaction. If, indeed, all of our ends could somehow be satisfied instantly, then we could no longer engage in human action (the striving after the attainment of ends), and we would therefore cease to be human. The human condition is one of struggle, a struggle defined by purpose. Greater happiness, therefore, comes from acting to attain greater ends, to live with greater purpose. To be happy is to live with purpose. And this is what I was missing in school. It is what so many students are missing, as modern schooling seems hell-bent on dehumanizing the students trapped within it.
E=mc2 finally gave me purpose.
I’m not just talking about my own project, obviously, although it somehow provided enough motivation for me to write over 100,000 words during the course of the year, in addition to all my other writing for law school. I’m also not just talking about my work for Bott, which I enjoyed because it allowed me to really flex my abilities for perhaps the first time ever. To be asked to produce a document or idea, and then to produce it more quickly and of a better quality than requested, again and again, brings with it its own satisfaction. To feel useful: that’s all I can ever ask of a job. But what really drove me this year was my kids, and the work I did with them. To be in a position where I could offer them something (besides just arcane knowledge of economic theory), to know that I could help them accomplish some of their goals, that got me out of bed every morning. I spent hundreds of one-on-one hours with Alex, Noah, Jonah, and Feb, but I also offered a few critically important comments on all the other projects, and being in the high school regularly gave me opportunities to form relationships with and positively influence the thinking of many students outside of the E=mc2 program. Mikayla, Llewellyn, Silma, Colin, Jason, Layla . . . they all mean something to me. I’ve taught classes before (Intro to Micro, Intro to Macro, History of Economic Thought), and I remember many of my hundreds of students from those classes, too: Shane, Mitchell, Liam, Maya, Courtney, Max. But those classes were nothing like E=mc2, built on individual relationships as it is. In E=mc2 I could be myself, and that was enough to be of value to some people. People wanted my opinion, my ideas, my feedback. I engaged in interesting conversations on many different topics with many different people, and I truly hope that each participant left with something new to think about and grow from. Discussing philosophy with Alex for literally hours after school in the library, watching stand-up comedy with Noah in one of the lecture halls at the law school, visiting Feb in the lab and trying to talk her down from various metaphorical ledges, and seeing them all learn so much and grow so much . . . it has been a tremendous privilege, and the best time of my life. This past semester there was one class which I did not attend even once. When questioned, I pretended to be a typical college student and complained that the class began at the ungodly hour of 8:30am. Somehow I never had any trouble being at the high school before 7:00am.
I was happy this year. Happier than I’ve ever been. E=mc2 finally gave me work that required the full extent of my skills, stimulated my intellect and my passions, and entrusted me with great responsibility (the education of such special students). No one understood why I agreed to work so many hours at a made-up job, for free. My father continuously reminded me to keep my priorities straight, repeatedly told me that I should stop volunteering at the school. But E=mc2 and the kids in it were my highest priority, and, for the first time ever, going to school was the bright part of my life. When some of my friends came home for winter break, they noticed the difference in me. They noticed my quiet peace, they noticed that I was quicker to smile and laugh, they noticed that I didn’t cling to them like I had in the past. I told them that I was living the life that I wanted to be living. There were some challenges this year, and some devastating moments that came out of nowhere and threatened to ruin everything. But I overcame them, survived them, learned from them. And now, at the end of an extraordinary year, I am a better, wiser, happier human being. This is the gift that E=mc2 has given me.
The purpose that E=mc2 has given me will continue to drive me after this year officially comes to a close, because E=mc2 has taught me what I actually care about and shown me how to live a good life around it. I will serve as a coordinator again next year. But, more than that, living with purpose has encouraged me to take on more responsibility in my pursuit of improving the lives and learning of children. I ran for a seat on the Guilderland Board of Education this year, and won it. Over at least the next two years I will be working towards improving the educational experience of far more students than just the ones in E=mc2. But the students in the class who are leaving will themselves continue to drive me. Getting to know them, seeing what they’re capable of, observing what school does to them, and understanding how their lives might have been better, will continue to drive me for the rest of my life, no matter what my job title ends up being. I have become more and more convinced this year that education is the hill that I must die on. In the past, I would have been content to leave the hell that is public school far behind me, burning in its own destructive fires. I, after all, had barely managed to survive intact. But, for the sake of my kids, and all the kids that will come after them, I turn now to reenter the flames and fight for the other kids’ survival, too.
The goal of this class was always to change lives. I am proof that it can.